The Wednesday column slot is a tough one to fill. At this point, the paper has run no fewer than four commentaries on ASUWhy-the-hell-is-this-news? And  there’s not much more that can be said about the officiating in the NBA playoffs. Do I comment on Brad “Angriest Man in News” Estes’ piece about Wyoming? Should I remind him that he left out how cool it is to graduate in a department where the faculty doesn’t feel the need to validate their education by making student’s refer to them as “Dr.?”

Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it is pretty cool when a teacher gives you the option of calling him “E-Dub.”

It would seem that at this point the Monty Python people need to save us with something completely different. So for something completely different, we will rank the top five baseball records that don’t exist but would be fun to own. 

Baseball keeps meticulous statistics, and while it would be fun to be the all-time home run leader, here is a list of stats that would probably not put you into the Hall of Fame but would make for excellent stories. I’m pretty sure none of these records exist, but you never know with stat-heads.

5.  Base running: Most attempts at stealing home plate without holding the record for most steals of home plate

Ty Cobb holds the record for most successful steals of home plate. That’s great. But I want to see someone who holds the most attempts while not surpassing Cobb’s record of success. I think it would say something remarkable about one’s character if they tried to steal home more than any other player in history. 

There’s something about that irrational confidence that would be exciting in a ball player. Wouldn’t you love to be watching baseball and see your team in a crunch situation knowing that Player X was going to the plate no matter what anybody told him? I think it would make the game far more exciting. 

4.  Fielding: Colliding with another player while trying to catch a fly ball

You know those awful collisions where two fielders hit each other trying to catch the same ball? Well, imagine if there was someone who was really proficient at that. When he retired, everyone would say “When he said ‘I got it,’ he meant it.”

3.  Hitting: Being hit by a pitch. 

Craig Biggio holds this record. Good for him. He was once called back to the plate for leaning into a ball too much. Biggio also got thrown out on his 3,000 career hit. Biggio tried to stretch the milestone hit from a single into a double and was thrown out. That’s the kind of base running that is worthy of this list.

2.  Base running: Being thrown out for trying to stretch a hit to an extra base

Clearly, I enjoy the prospect of a player who is not afraid to take the risk of being thrown out. Basically, I’m in search of the Stephen Jackson of base running: a player who is so irrationally confident that it defies belief, but he is just talented enough to back it up on occasion. Being thrown out more times than anyone else for trying to stretch a hit to extra bases says three things about a player: They were fast. They were stupid. They were fun to watch. 

1. All: Charging the mound. 

Jorge Posada has been involved in a lot of scuffles. It is suggested that he holds the unofficial record for fighting. Holding the record for going after the pitcher the most means that people will always look back at your career and think: “No player ever gave a losing team more reasons to lead the SportsCenter broadcast.”