America’s favorite gambling holiday is just days away and, as fun as it is to gamble on whether or not John Kuhn will rush for over 6.5 yards (-150) or who President Obama will pick (Steelers -140/Packers even odds) it always seems that there’s more that we could bet on. So if gambling on how long Christina Aguilera will hold the note “Brave” during the National Anthem (over /under is 6 seconds) doesn’t quite satisfy you’re gambling problem, here are the prop bets that I wished existed. 

Will Troy Aikman make an awkward comment about Ben Roethlisberger?

These are generally the phrases that start with “Say what you want about Ben Roethlisberger…” If there were a guy who would make an awkward allusion to Roethlisberger’s alleged rape, it would be Troy Aikman. Not only do I expect this, I expect it before the game starts.  No way it takes any longer than the first half. We can only hope that Joe Buck will chime in with “I don’t think Roethlisberger’s ability to throw on the move is a rebuttal for people accusing Ben of rape but, whatever, Troy”. Unfortunately, Joe Buck probably has a little more class than that. 

Over/under 15 uses of the phrase “This is a guy”

I hate to jump on Troy Aikman again, but he’s bad even by sports analyst standards. Being a sports analyst who over uses the phrase “this is a guy” is like being the most irritating character in a Wes Anderson film. “This is a guy…” well wasn’t that enlightening? We don’t need to know that the player is a guy. That is implied. “This is a guy who can really make plays when his team needs it.” How about “Aaron Rogers can make plays”? Surely that phrase tells the story. Anyone who is unclear as to Mr. Rogers’s gender, or the gender of any of the players, is likely not interested in what Troy has to say. I don’t even care what Troy Aikman has to say.  I would bet the over; by a lot. 

Will the players have a show of unity?

With the CBA expiring and the threat of a lock out for next season, it’s likely the players will use this opportunity to show the nation their plight. I’m with the players on this one, but I don’t think anyone will care if they all walk out and hold up a finger. Wait a minute; I have an idea. I just thought of a way these players can make a statement, and they only have to adjust their show by two fingers. Alas, the odds of that probably aren’t very good, but I would bet on both sidelines holding up their index finger as a sign of unity amongst the players association. This would be a good bet if you don’t know what to do with your coin toss bet.

Roger Goodell hands off the Lombardi Trophy and says “See you again in 2013!”

I’m just bummed about the lockout. Surely there’s a way they can decide what to do with the billions of dollars this sport makes. 

Will there be a terrible, terrible play call?

I would bet high on this. Two reasons: 1. Mike McCarthy is coaching. 2. Last year’s onside-kick. McCarthy is quietly another clock management villain. He also managed to let Philadelphia and Chicago hang around in games that should have been over by half time. You Madden fans keep an eye on this. McCarthy could use a 14 year-old Madden Champion to handle the clock for him. Then there was what Sean Payton did last year. Everyone thought it was a great call to kick an onside kick coming out of half time. It wasn’t. It was an awful call and, had Hank Baskett caught the thing like any other receiver would have, the Colts would have won that game, and we would have remembered that call for what it was. The Super Bowl gods won’t let that happen twice. I smell a fake punt on 4^th and 7 that somehow results in a safety. 

I hope you all clean up on your bets this week. I also hope that the Packers walk away victorious and that Ben Roethlisberger just plain doesn’t walk away. Come on B.J. Raji! I didn’t make fun of your dance or Clay Matthew’s hair for the sole purpose that you would reward me with a dozen sacks. Sadly, I have to make my pick Steelers 34, Packers 23. 

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