Valentine’s Day signifies love’s many forms

Written by Meg Lanker

Thursday, 12 February 2009 19:05

The season of Valentine’s Day is upon us, having descended shortly after New Year’s in the form of candy hearts next to discounted candy canes. This weekend marks a day I alternately love and loathe. I abhor it for its commercialism, its emphasis on the perfect romantic gift, and its unrealistic expectations. I love it—not because of any material gains on my part—but because I am amused by the spectacle of many of my male friends wondering if Applebee’s or Chili’s is more romantic. Side effect: I wind up picking out cards and flowers for their girlfriends.

Valentine’s Day places emphasis on romance versus love, just like Modern Bride places emphasis on the “most perfect day ever!” versus the actual marriage. Philosophers and every day people have tried to define love since the beginning of recorded history. Rapturous poems spilled forth from Shakespeare’s pen and are misquoted in Hallmark cards. Women and men alike agonize over if they should say those three little words. Side effect: Millions of dollars in profit for Hallmark, millions of seconds of uncomfortable silence when those three little words are said and the reply is “um, you too.”

We all just want to be loved, right? Love is normal—in fact, author Anaïs Nin wrote, “The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.” Webster’s Dictionary defines love as, “A tender, passionate affection for another person … sexual passion or persistent desire.” Think about those first days of infatuation that parallel obsession. It’s thrilling. Side effect: Love and obsession can overlap, sometimes pathologically.

The early stages of love can resemble the neurological and behavioral symptoms of substance abuse and bipolar disorder. According to Dr. John Marsden of the British National Addiction Center, love is addictive, akin to cocaine. Using brain imaging, his team discovered that the same areas of the brain are active when abusing drugs and also when in love. In 2007, a study on love conducted in Switzerland concluded that those studied who had fallen in love recently slept less, acted compulsively, and were more likely to engage in risky behavior, such as reckless driving. In other words, the symptoms of love were akin to symptoms of hypomania (a lower level of mania) in bipolar patients.

But that’s just romantic love, right? Case in point of non-romantic love and obsession: Nadya Suleman, an unemployed, single mother who just gave birth to octuplets in California. Her mother, who cares for Suleman’s other 6 children, said in an AP interview that her daughter was obsessed with having children. Suleman has no job, no income, is on food stamps, and is about to enter a demanding master’s degree program in counseling. She plans on supporting her children through student loans and the school’s free day care facilities.

Her reasons behind giving birth to so many children are disastrous. She characterizes her early childhood as “dysfunctional” and said that she always wanted a large family. “That was always a dream of mine, to have a huge family, and I just longed for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked growing up,” Suleman said in an interview with NBC. Financially, she said that “Money is necessary to raise children … but to me, it is superfluous in contrast to the importance of my kids.” Suleman must have realized it’s not entirely superfluous—her publicist set up a Web site to accept donations.

What disturbs me is that Suleman claims she is looking for the love she didn’t get as a child. How will she give 10 children under the age of four the attention and love they deserve? Suleman is placing this burden on them. She says “Everything I do revolves around my children. I’ll stop my life for them and be with them. And how many parents do that?” Usually, dealing with a dysfunctional, lonely childhood involves therapy, not having 14 kids through in-vitro fertilization. The octuplets will go home to a tiny 3 bedroom house, where Suleman’s other 6 children are fed in shifts. Her expectations are wholly unrealistic. She expects to care for 14 children, 3 of which are disabled, complete a master’s degree, and have a picturesque, blissful life. Side effect of 14 children vying for mom’s attention: the cycle of feeling unloved will continue.

Love can be beautiful, but like The Force, it has a dark side. Suleman’s children will most certainly have a rough childhood. Perhaps they will grow up and find what they are looking for and be happy. Perhaps Suleman will as well. I will never understand love but I do not want to attempt to quantify it. Side effect of trying to understand love: You can miss what’s right in front of your face.

“Side Effects” by Meg Lanker runs every Friday. Lanker is a sophomore majoring in psychology and criminal justice. Side effects of reading her column include possible adulation, piety, delusions or consciousness.

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