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Written by Noelle Lopez

Wednesday, 26 November 2008 10:16

Got a burning question? Send it to Dr. No at: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it . Feral ‘til age 8 and baptized by fire, Dr. No has been doling out advice and solving problems since 1999. Her areas of expertise include sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, Wesley Snipes movies and outer space, but she can answer pretty much any question.

Question: Do you think that it’s possible to be friends with your ex after you break up?

Answer: No. I don’t think it’s possible. I’ve never been able to and I’ve never tried. I’m also never going to because it’s a stupid idea. It just blows my mind why anyone would want to do that. Unless your ex bore you a kid, can get you season tickets or is your dad’s boss’s nephew, I’d say pack up your bindle and move on.

Generally, when I dump someone, it’s because I don’t want to hang out with them anymore. If I still want to hang out with someone, I don’t dump them. It’s all very simple.

People always give me the lame excuse about their ex being their best friend and that they don’t want to lose their friendship and that is a load. If someone was your best friend, you wouldn’t dump them, unless the only thing wrong in the relationship was that you just hated being able to put your hands in their pants anytime you wanted, because that’s essentially all you’ve gotten rid of. You still have some dude calling at weird times and eating all your food, the only difference is that when it’s lights out, you have to keep your hands to yourself. Awesome.

You shouldn’t have to worry about being cordial when you break up. People break up; that’s life. It’s not your responsibility to make everyone feel OK about it, because it’s not OK for the sucker that just got dumped. And it won’t be, until he gets a healthy dose of time and a few soggy pillowcases.

Saying you want to be friends with someone is implying that you still like them in some capacity, and for someone whose just had the cockles of their heart filled with crap, that means there’s still a chance for a reunion and I can guarantee that they’re going to spend the next six months holding that candle until their knuckles turn white and they’re covered in wax.

The thing is, it’s probably okay to take a call from your ex every once in a while, but you shouldn’t be sitting together on a Sunday, laughing and getting crumbs all over the couch.

Also, I’m assuming that you’re the dumper, because you’d have to either be really stupid or really lonely to want to be friends with someone who just dumped you.

Either way, do yourself a favor and JUST LET GO.

Question: I hate everyone and everything. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be happy. What do you think I should do?

Answer: People accuse me of this all the time, but just like is the case with you, it’s totally untrue.

If you really hated everything, you wouldn’t have written me an e-mail, and also, if you and I actually hated everything, our septums would look like lightning bolts and we’d be churning some Ellis-level prose by now.

But as it is, you don’t. What you probably hate are your surroundings and that can be fixed by changing them.

But on the off chance that you do actually hate everyone, you might try your hand at being a bully. I read the other day that the happy part of bullies’ brains lights up every time they do some bullying. This might be your problem. You might be the bully and you’re not happy because you’re not doing what you were born to do.

What you should do is try your hand at some bullying; give a couple wedgies, break a couple noses, take a little milk money and see how your pleasure receptors feel about it. If you’re a little elated, then you totally found your problem AND your solution. You’ll be free from your bummer-shackles. If you don’t, then I guess you’re not a bully and you should probably just self-medicate. Ta-ta for now!

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